If You’re Reading This, I’m 35

Stop worryin' about whoever's next
I am just worried about my mama worryin' less

At 4:44pm today I will officially be 35 years of age. 35, as in two years older than Jesus when he died and six years older than Drake- huh?  I’m not the last of my core group of friends to hit this moniker, I think that goes to Dough but, with every birthday I celebrated with friends this year, a slight aching pain creeped into the back of my head.
What no one tells you about getting older is unless you are physically ill, you worry about everything else.  You worry about your relationships- personal and professional. You worry about money, do you have enough, are you making enough  and you really worry about your significance in life- like where you add up next to your peers and your parents when they were this  age.

Here’s the thing, everyone, everyone, will  have introspective moments of self-doubt but  what we don’t realize is laboring on self-doubt instead of focusing on the amazing future and appreciating the now, will only set you up on the  journey of  unhappiness  on the never ending  road of  comparison. What you thought you’d be doing in comparison to what you are doing, as to what you know you are capable of, can create a strong sense of doubt, especially around birthdays.

I have legally been an adult for 17 years, but some days I don't feel like it.  Maybe, it’s being an only-child.  maybe it’s because I live less than a block away from my family, maybe it’s because I don’t know how to fix things, maybe it’s from having a strong support system that you can rely on- but I don’t always feel like this super-duper independent person.  Then I said- wait, how can you not feel like an independent mature person when at age 20 you decided to pursue a career in a field you knew no one in? I'm not independent, I traveled overseas for work at 21, I navigated countries and states with over 25 pieces of luggage- what is that called if it's not called mature.   Or how can you not feel grown, when elders come to you for advice etc.?

So this is how I look at 35, it’s a number, a marking in your own journey not to be compared with previous chapters or the stories of your peers. I lost a  former classmate this year- he didn’t even get to turn 35 so I've put that into perspective.   I woke up realizing that today for most people  is just another day, well rent is due but yes it's another day, a beginning for some and quite possibly an anniversary of good or bad things for those I do not know. There are  a lot of people who are 35 and  they  can not be  their most authentic self and are  paralyzed with fear of being such. At 35 I  can have open and honest conversations on deep shit as well as my addiction to bubble gum with my close inner circle as well as randoms.  

You know how Drake says "I'm way up I feel blessed."    I am blessed because I know people who genuinely and honestly want to help me grow personally and professionally and all they want is to feel my joy as well.   I am blessed because  I have a purpose and value, even  to strangers- I give directions to so many tourists, I should set up a booth- so that means outside of this resting bitch face, honest people will say “This lady looks like she is articulate, helpful and is knowledgeable about the area” and I sleep well at night.  The blessings are in the struggle and I have blessings on blessings on blessings. I can  say that now at 35,I am growing, I am strong, I let nothing negative stop my shine, I am loved on many levels and I love hard and strong. All  I want at this age and forward is a stronger relationship with God and a flatter stomach, everything else comes easy.

I'm way up!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

#blessed you're such an inspiration.